Shitting in the woods – (using nature’s loo)

bear in the woods
Well if bears do it, along with every other species we share this glorious planet with, then why shouldn’t we. It doesn’t get much more natural than dumping alfresco. I know, it sounds ghastly, we fucked-up humans have been perching on porcelain for hundreds of years and we’ve grown accustomed to our toilety ways – but sometimes, when you are on the road and live in a van with no facilities, you just have no choice. Sometimes nature doesn’t just call – it klaxons.

Make sure you have wet wipes and/or toilet roll, small bags and anti-bacterial hand-wash (ghastly stuff but imagine the shame from dying from a poo-borne disease.) and a small spade (optional).

Ideally you dig a small hole (depending on what you are intending to plant), do what you gotta do (eg drop the kiddies off), clean your bum with el toilet paper, freshen your chocolate starfish with a wet wipe or three, put the wet wipes and toilet roll in one of the little bags and tie it up, cleanse your hands with the antibacterial liquid and then cover up your brown evidence using the spade. The spade isn’t essential. You can always kick leaves over your chocolate treasure to ensure no pirates find it.

Obviously, you need to be respectful to the environment and to other people and critters. It’s best not to shit on the sidewalk/pavement and to make sure that you can’t be seen. Wearing a long top means you can crouch down with a modicum of modesty without displaying your Lady Gaga to the rest of the world.

The good thing about crouching to defecate is that it’s the natural position for human beings to expel in. The sit-on toilet was only invented during the Victorian era and whilst you might look jolly elegant sat atop your white ceramic throne thumbing through an old copy of The New Yorker, it does nothing for your colon or digestive system. The correct position to adopt is crouching. This enables you to clear your colon more effectively and have a more satisfying system bulk dump. You will feel better for it.

Plus, if you are eating a healthy or raw food diet full of loads of fruit and vegetables, then you are putting good stuff back into the earth. Our planet’s soils are depleted of all kinds of things due to the industrial farming and unremitting pillage from us ridiculous human beings.

Your poo could save the planet.

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