This is a bad place. Don’t even read this. Look away! Look away! I’m a proponent of a health life style me – well, except when I’m not. And this place makes me err far more toward the latter than the former. Until afterwards, when I skulk away like a guilty paedophile from a school playground.
Valor is a chocolate fuck fest. Almost everything here is chocolate. The chairs are made of chocolate. The waiter is made of chocolate. Even the air is chocolate. Most of that was lies.
Valor is dedicated to chocolate in its liquid form – much like myself. There entire menu revolves (not literally) around hot chocolate in cups, cold chocolate in glasses and things with liquid chocolate tipped all over them.
They’ve been doing this shit since 1881 they reckon. Oh we can all show off.
Hot chocolates come in the form of Nepalese white chocolate with vanilla; 52% cocoa; Colombian served with coffee and a line of coke; Mayan chocolate with cinnamon; Aztec with Mexican pepper; Mediterranean with orange; Canary Islands chocolate, which is white and banana flavoured (I may have just vomited); Swiss, served with fresh cream; sugar-free chocolate (probably sweetened with something even more sinister); and traditional thick, Spanish chocolate.
The chocolate is kept to exact temperatures in large metal vats and the menu outlines at what temperature your chocolate will be served.
Drinks start from €2.65 and go up to a rather unsightly €4.35.
You can get chocolate with churros (doughnut strips for dipping) for €4.50 or €5.20 depending on how sick and ashamed you want to feel after the deed.
In the summer you can choose from a number of cold varieties including French style with cream or chocolate granita or milkshake.
There is also a chocolate fondue if there is more than one of you for €15.10. You could attempt to eat this alone but you might end up the size of more than one of you. It’s a risk.
Sweep’s not allowed to eat chocolate so he thinks it’s shit and has been lobbying his local ompupsman in order to have the place shut down. That’s a lie.
I had a standard Spanish hot chocolate, which was good and thick and bought some liquid chocolate to take away.
I ate my chair.
That’s a lie.
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